Clean slate.

May 2, 2010

Everyone has goals. I have goals. Sure, I have goals of material things that I would LOVE to have – (Please see Summerology.)

This morning I did something very strange. I went to my dressing table and started writing. I started writing things that I wanted to achieve some day. Not the houses I was going to buy or the cabana bar I was going to someday own…but REAL things that I can carry with me throughout my life and become a better person for it. Now I admit, I have been carrying around some sludge for a long time. Sludge that has affected relationships, especially the relationship I have with myself. There’s a lot of garbage from events that happened so long ago; garbage that can be really toxic sometimes. It eats away at the energy that I should be using to create the best person that I can be. I am twenty-five years old, and I have been told that this would be the perfect time to take a big breath and turn over that new leaf.

This past semester was my first semester in grad school. I took four classes that totally kicked my butt. I was not writing, I was not creating, I felt like I was spending my time just trying to catch up. Since I am going to be doing this for another year – I really wanted to figure out away to balance my life a little better. I wanted to work on improving myself while keeping up with my responsibilities. I don’t even know if this is possible. So today, I wrote on 10 post-it notes and stuck them on my wall in my room so I will see them every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to sleep. Hopefully they will act as constant reminders to focus on the ‘schtuff’ that really matters.

reminders.

So, with that being said, I  have 10 ‘support beams’ that I would like to create in my life. Some of these things I am already doing occasionally, but I would really like to be able to carry them all with me regularly in my lifetime.

1. Laugh. Laughter is medicinal. Laughter brings people together. I love to laugh and I should do it more :)

2. Create. I am constantly coming up with ideas of things that I would like to make, write, do. However I always seem to have an excuse. I am really going to try to welcome the creativity during my day instead of just always throwing it aside. When I create, I feel that I am removed from being up there in my brain and I am actually in the moment, expressing myself.

3. Cook. I am always cooking – but I feel like I should be cooking more. Cooking is extremely therapeutic for me. If I’ve had a really tough day, there is nothing that brings me back down to earth more than cooking. When I have a hard time explaining my feelings or when I want to show someone I love how I feel about them – cooking is the answer. Sometimes cooking and sharing a meal can mean so much more than words that you tell someone.

4. Exercise. Ha! I have a really hard time with this one. My exercise regime is inconsistent (obviously) and I would really like it if I could just push myself to make it part of my daily routine. I know how good it is for you and how it can create more energy for the rest of the things I want to accomplish.

 5. Thoughts. I think way too much about things that have happened or things that COULD happen. I think this is a terrible habit that I have that comes from fear, frustration, hurt, anger, etc. I want to be thinking and aware of NOW. I want to be able to be aware of what is going on around me currently – I want to take away the fog of the past and the possibilities that I have clouding my awareness.

6. Relax. Especially this past semester, I have had a really hard time being able to relax and be OK. For the sake of my sanity, health, and relationships, I need to be able to take some time out – meditate – or just remove myself from the day-to-day stresses that don’t even really matter. I feel as though I always have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. The stresses, the anxieties, the emotions, everything looming creates this feeling in my stomach that I really would like to just go away! I think it I do take a step back and meditate I could relieve some of the torment I put upon myself.

7. Breathe. This kind of goes along with my whole relax thing that I want to be working on. I myself am a ‘shallow breather’. Ha. I have to work on this. I feel as though this will aid me in my relaxation goals but also just make me feel better by taking big healthy breaths of fresh air during the day.

8. Appreciate. This kind of goes along with all of that sludge that I carry along with me all of the time. I need to unplug myself from that sludge and focus on the wonderful, supportive, and loving people I have currently around me. I cannot be focused on the people who don’t love or care for me. I have to be focused and aware on the people who do – and they just really want to see me happy and growing.

9. Forgive. I really don’t even know how to begin figuring this one out. Sure, I can forgive people for the little things that happen whenever, and most of the time I don’t even remember what annoyed or bothered me last week. However, again with the sludge, I need to be able to forgive. I want to be able to forgive – but this is probably  definitely going to be the most difficult thing for me to even try to accomplish. I feel as though a lot of people aren’t able to figure this one out…I dunno – I’d like to.

10. Love: Love is tricky. To really love…well it encompasses so many different things. You have to trust (which is very complicated and scary), you have to forgive, and you have to be patient. All of those things are very difficult for me. Love summarized all of my goals – love for myself, love for my friends, my family, and even the people who are no longer in my life.

….so…..I guess we’ll see!